Have you ever had a friend, lover, family member or colleague do a complete 180 on you and lash out at you out of nowhere? How did it make you feel? Was it intense, confusing, hurtful, irrational, and/or baffling?
Today’s lesson involves not taking things personally. Ah, but this is impossible you say! Not so much…
More often than not we think others’ unreasonable or unkind behavior is directed at us, and yes, sometimes it hurts a lot; and yes, sometimes it is quite unjust. However, let’s take a second to evaluate what is really going on and how to get out of the “taking things personally slump.”
Releasing the Burden
First of all, when someone unjustly lashes out at you, you immediately feel a pit in your stomach. We have all been there, it’s uncomfortable at best! The quickest remedy to get past this horrid feeling, besides having compassion for yourself, is to have compassion for the other person, as they are probably not very happy with themselves and their current situation. Your compassion does not weaken you. Instead it allows you to release the burden that another has placed upon you. Give your strength and power back to yourself where it belongs and consciously choose to rise above. It’s not easy but I imagine you have enough of your own problems, why take on another’s as well?
Remember, that individual is living in their own egocentric point of view, which means it has nothing to do with you in the first place! We are the ones in control of how we perceive and interpret things. If someone is lashing out at you for an unjust reason or saying things that simply aren’t true, then why do we take this to heart when it is their invalid opinion?
Next time someone is directing anger, frustration or rudeness in your direction try these steps out.
- Take a minute to think if it is actually about you. Do not over-analyze and do not strike back even though it feels awesome in the moment to get even when someone is speaking like they have a few bolts loose.
- Clear up any miscommunication if need be and see things from a new perspective. A lot of our problems are based simply off of not understanding the exact meaning of the message being delivered.
- Hear what they are actually saying instead of what you think they are saying so you do not jump to false conclusions that cause more harm than good.
And if they are spewing mean and hateful things, what does that say about you? Not much. What does that say about them? A whole lot.
Unsurprisingly, even as a Life Coach I have been personally pained by the incredibly unkind words of others, even those I called best friends, but I learned to evaluate what was actually being said and take what was true, if there was anything true within the particular conversation, and disregard the rest because that anger clearly had nothing to do with me but a lot to do with them feeling inferior and vulnerable. This will also teach you to limit your interactions with toxic people. Your circle may grow smaller but it will be a powerful one in the end.
You Don’t Have to Drink Someone Else’s Poison
Never let someone else’s poison influence how you see yourself. Being quick to judge another on unsound fallacies is unbeneficial and wrong, being quick to judge ourselves on the same is lacking common sense and self-destructive.
At the end of the day, it is indeed a reflection of them, not you. With that in mind, only you can define yourself and only you can dictate how you feel.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”-Eleanor Roosevelt
What’s worse: being alone or being in a relationship that makes you feel alone? Intimate relationships happen to be the most common thing out there, but to many, they also happen to be the most confusing as well.
Let’s stop for a second and ask ourselves why we truly want to be in a relationship.
- Is it to feel wanted, perfect in the eyes of another, never alone or never lonely?
- Or perhaps you want someone to support you financially/emotionally and make you feel whole?
This is where we begin to walk on thin ice in regards to relationships because our happiness, our wholeness, and what makes you “you” begin to dwindle. What we are essentially saying is, I need to find someone who will love me instead of me having to love myself. We are releasing the control of being the ones in charge of our own self-worth and relying on another to fulfill this very important task for us. Therefore, what we want and our happiness is no longer internal but it is now external and thus can be snatched away within a moment’s notice once someone decides they are done with you or the relationship.
Alas, relationships are wonderful things and do not think I am shunning them and promoting you to be a spinster/solely make out with yourself in a mirror until the day you die. There are certainly relationships that you can attract that are healthy and also ones that are not so healthy simply because you weren’t ready to be in them! The old saying, “You must love yourself before you can love another” is so incredibly accurate. How are we supposed to know what we want or attract someone who could be a valuable partner in our lives if we cannot even love and respect ourselves wholly?
How To Attract a Healthy Relationship
We all have baggage, and that is okay and completely normal. Healthy relationships offer a safe playing field to confront some of this baggage, bring it to the surface, and release it if it’s no longer serving you. The wonderful thing about self-work is that when you learn to love yourself and make yourself feel whole, you’re ready to find a partner whom you can share your love with instead of take love from. You become lonely when the supplier of the love you would consistently take leaves you, so why not share on mutual grounds and shift from dependent to interdependent?
If you ask me how it is even possible to feel complete unless you have a relationship, then I will ask you how possible it is for you or your counterpart to remain motivated to continuously give when there is no receiving as well. It seems great at first having a lustful neediness for someone but eventually the glamour wears thin when this vulnerability shows an inability to love and respect oneself. When two individuals are trying to take from one another constantly, the end result is disappointment and the feeling that you’re in the wrong relationship.
Sharing, Not Taking, Love
One of the most beautiful experiences we can have on this earth is finding a mutually loving relationship where we can share love, not take love. However, we cannot accomplish this if we do not love ourselves first because then there is no sharing, only taking, and we only have so much to give before we feel empty ourselves.
Good news is when two people who have a plethora of self-love come together in order to form an alliance and grow as individuals and share their love and life together, they have a great chance of a long-lasting relationship. When asked why they want a partner, these individuals tend to reply with, “I have a lot of love to give and I want to share it with someone who has a lot of love to give as well.” Or, “I want to learn and grow with someone who also wants to do the same. “
Back to you, if you honestly ask yourself why you want a relationship and your answers are mirroring the first reasons in the beginning of this article rather than the ones just mentioned, do not fret, darling! You can learn to love yourself and feel as if you are filled with enough love to pass around, but it does take work and it does take you having to be honest with yourself. You must want a healthy relationship as like attracts like. This is where a Life Coach comes in handy to get you on the self-love track.
If you have a loving and healthy relationship with yourself, your chances of finding a partner who wants to have a loving and healthy relationship with you skyrocket. You are the mirror for how people treat you so start with yourself and show others what you deserve!